Saturday, 5 November 2011

The theology of suicidal depression

Article from Marc Aupiais

The mortal sin of suicide has always fascinated me. It seems to contravene Lumen Gentium XVI to say it always is for hell, but also it likely often is a mortal sin, and seems likely those who commit it go to hell.

I suffer from suicidal depression, periodic temporary paralysis, and 24 hour pain throughout my body. I am 21 years old.

The depression usually follows the collapse and pain. It is when whatever it is affects my brain. I sense a change in me and know it is coming. Brain chem alters. I have attempted suicide in this state. I survived. Each time.

I also suffer from PANDAS, something still under research, the cutting edge. It means that happy pills will mix with me in a Catastrophic way, I am more likely to die from them than my depression.

Pain killers also react badly, and most medication. When I take medication, I usually land in hospital.

The Catholic Dogma of Hell and Mortal Sin, and Tolkien's metaphor of tending our own little garden in life: our duty to God to live: keep me alive. My pain, which can feel like being killed, no doubt: is constant and always present. Sometimes, it becomes unmanageable.

Sometimes I also feel extreme emotions: love, anger, lust, joy, happiness, embarrassment, etc. These I generally control ten times better than anyone else: I have learnt to control emotion, but depression is different.

I tell when I sense the brain chem alteration, I pray and ask for prayer, I inform, and I try to get home and sleep in a dark room. I read also: Jane Austin has literally saved my life!

I fight depression: our task as Catholics. I control me.

The question for you, or anyone affected, if someone you know commits suicide: isn't: are they in hell, but how does one fight as best they could to obey! If I fight as best I can to obey- to live: to tend that little garden: and a sudden wave crashes, killing me as deeply as an ocean tragedy: how can you live as best to obey God!

My spelling goes, my ability to speak, sometimes my hearing. Sometimes when I get up, I go blind. My reasoning goes, my emotions too: these three remain: Love (Divine Charity); Hope (God's Hope in my Soul); Faith (God's Faith in Me; My Faith in God; Love; Hope; Family; True Good Humanity; Friendship; Community; Love)!

So from someone who knows; and who believes in obeying God to absolute: Catholics must focus on their most utter best: to strive: and when the pain is impossible: strive some more: try your hardest: to fulfil the duty to live! Life is a duty not a gift!

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