'Dear President Putin,
'We are writing with reference to your recent invasion of Ukraine. I'm afraid that we do not believe your ambassador's claims that this is a friendly military exercise to help Ukraine suppress a gay pride rally. We also do not believe the claim that the Crimeans welcome the invasion in the hope that it means Stephen Fry will boycott them, too.
'This is an unacceptable breach of Ukraine's sovereignty and unless you reverse this policy, we will be forced to take action. Please note that we have considered this matter very long and hard.
'The crisis was first discussed at a gathering of the Foreign Policy Committee in the beautiful spa town of Baden Baden. After two weeks, and 8 million Euros, they issued a 356 page report that found your invasion to be in violation of several EU rulings on heath and safety. They also noted that the Russian army is lacking in both diversity and wheelchair access. The matter was then referred upwards to the Environment Committee, who warned that military action could leave a sizable carbon footprint. Next, the report was passed to the Promotion of European Dairy Products Committee, who expressed concern that the Russian Army might be unaware of the unique creaminess of EU milk: European milk is the best in the whole wide world. Finally, the European Commission held an unprecedented emergency meeting (ie before midday when most of the commissioners are still super hungover) and decided to request politely but firmly that you withdraw your troops as soon as you might like to. Failure to pretend to do this will result in the following penalties:
'- Russia will be added to the Eurozone'
(UK Telegraph | 'Ukraine: that EU letter of protest to Putin in full' by Tim Stanley 1st March 2014)
Read on fair maidens!
The Putin and the persian leopard cuddle in the Sochi National Park ... pic.twitter.com/NY1JHSwj5C @RT_com
— Marc Evan Aupiais (@SACNSNew) February 4, 2014