(
Journey in a Broken World)
Article by Marc Aupiais
I am drunk it seems, drunk not with alcohol, but with an insanity not my own. I know my actions are illogical, but it seems as I am powerless against them- that I shall fall, and I do.
Darkness merged with darkness, time stood still, around me something uncomfortable fills my sides, a black oil enters me, and surrounds me. I am drowning, as my heart bleeds, and turns to stone, heavy stone, like a constant pain.
Terror overcomes me, fear mixed in a sunset cocktail of ancient horror and terror. The trap surrounds me, as I shiver, and weep inside, and scream inside. Death itself enters me, and it seems- as though by my actions themselves- I pray to the devil- for his will to be done in the world. To the world my sin is small, non-existent, non-issues, healthy, sane, good- whatever it is. To me, I know I have failed, as clouds cover the heavens, and the sun becomes the color of black marble, and the yellow, orange, and green skies turn into a cocktail of terror.
Is this not what sin does to us, does it not create a deep gash in our chests, where our heart is, or affect our stomach, like a sickness, or like a dead beating heart in our throat like a rotten apple?
I do not exaggerate, by explaining the spiritual process of sin, but treat it as it is, as real as the physical, as solid, as rock solid as reality as the solid is.
And so, from all the earth we weep, and cry, our sackcloth a much sought out commodity, and yet is there any to comfort the sinner, or any who comfort all who have sinned, and broken their life, their soul- so that lava-like fiery scars cover their heart like veins? Indeed, to be sane, and in the state of mortal sin is a new horror for many a Catholic, to realize where they are and the horror of what they have done...
Immediately you may promise, and then without thought repeat your actions, the strongest oaths worth nothing to influence you.
Many now realize the power of the sacrament, they attend confession, and saturate the entire roster, with their presence, they go to church every Sunday and feast day, as God desired, and they live on the sacrament in their spirit. Both are good, and yet, when will the onslaught end. The stronger we get, the stronger the temptation. Our prayers only give us temporary safety, even hours worth of these, and our horrors become aeviternal scars. In fact, we will never be permitted to do away with sacrament, so long as we still live in the trials of the temporary plain, we cannot do without church on days of obligation, or confession at least once a year, but we can indeed even dare to say- conquer sin
Without the sacrament we are no-where in conquering sin, we must conquer it from within or not at all.
To stop sinning, we must become sane- and that is a horror. We start with the weeping within when our form commits a regular habit of sin, or acts like a mindless mythical creature. We start as we feel the horror of a mother who has lost her favorite child to a merciless, ruthless, unblinking, non-sleeping enemy. Darkness, like a mist thicker than blood- it covers us in our sin, and our energy in drained, our hope dying.
And so- we must determine to stop sinning immediately, not the day before our next confession, but today- and we must tell the priest everything needed inside the confessional. We must give him what we need in order to be healed by this spiritual warrior doctor, this... priest.
We must also vow to try never to sin again, and avoid, occasions of sin- if they be people, we may give them opportunity to change- but firstly value our own soul- saving another is never guaranteed. We then must use truth to set us free, even as we already have started via confession, on this long, winding dark path in the dusk of life- the dark just behind, the day ahead- walking in dusk- we race to find the ever-moving light. Indeed, the light is static, yet we must run to catch up, and will never reach it unless it invites us to join it. I know this- I have chased it countless times, and never reached it. I was spiritually exhausted, and losing water, yet my journey after the light was stunted, and I was barely alive by the time it reached me, specters of the night behind me, chasing me.
In fact, the night I sensed before my complete reversion- this was the lies and dangers of the world, of what in my dreams took the form of a deadly, ever-moving snake, which I aptly named kosmos (world). It seemed, I was only attempting to control the world, to fight it, and grapple, catch, or grab its neck to stop it biting me, but my accomplice in my dreams never gave up, and I never conquered it for good. This is how the world often acts, is it not- we try to control our lives, so that we are not hurt, in our small amounts- we compete to protect our forms, and fight like insane depraved wild creatures- to save our lives every time. Indeed, we should be so zealous for our lives, but what is our life, but our soul. That is the literal meaning of soul- breath is it not?
Kosmos still haunts me when I sin, his strength and size grow with my sins, and reduce to nothing with my consistent righteousness. He scared me allot, this phantom of dreams, often I would wake up sweating, even screaming. The reality of this, which is only a dream character- is so exemplified in a real snake I once found in my house, while walking bare-foot up my stairs, and over the small, angry, pitiable creature.
Our sin is like an external being, if we play with it, it only bites us and fills our veins with venom- which kills us. We must realize more than cautiously, more than boldly, in a complete infusion of belief- any desire to sin is a deception.
We must then look deep- to see what our actual need and want is- is it desire for freedom, to finally reveal the truth, to be good, to be successful, to be loved, or to love, to be accepted, to feel safe, or be comforted, or in comfort, or to comfort others, or be doing something of much purpose in living our gold dusted existence- in the darkness of our world? Whatever it is, we must find the natural desire, and decide to strengthen it, so as to chance away kosmos, our sin inducing snake. And when we fall- we must use the sacrament, no vow, no prayer, no hope can save us apart from the sacrament or its ghostly counterpart- whereby we would seek it if we knew of it, yet seek and obey truth as be it we can- real truth, not "defined" truth.
We must realize- Christ descended to our level, and went through temptation. How are we to gain our merit certificate, our crown, if we do not overcome an enemy. We are to see any temptation as an opportunity to prove ourselves, to grow our self, by conquering our sin- through self control, choice, and then finding our actual desire, likely with some aid of prayer- and kicking out the evil one by manifesting this desire, either at its rawest form, or else in another manifestation- which is healthy, and different. What is good- that is in the power and strength of God, so far as it is so, and preserves itself through goodness!
