Who Am I really Today...[really]...?

Article by Marc Aupiais

A friend was upset with me. She said I was not true to myself. That while I would

never do something alone... that with a friend I would.

She said I was not true to myself.

It got me thinking. What is me..?

I am after all a very complex personality. So strangely off. So caring but ashamed to care. So aware and perceptive physically and mentally of patent and latent... that myself I get terribly upset when others know not to.

But I know to... and also I love someone present. Around. inside of me. In my soul... always. No matter what. Even when I fight with someone I love.

I want them there.. I do need to learn... to own myself more... to be less polite at times.

But. Who I am. Is whom I love. And why. And how. And for how long.

God made us in his image and likeness.

God made us as love. That is what was lost in the not long forgot garden.

That is the Eden of Eden.

My many loves and hates

(Also appeared at : Journey in a Broken World 26 / 08 | August / 2009)

Editorial by Marc Aupiais

I watch as she walks, I smile and breathe in and admire her for her beauty. Then I stop and repeat... But it is not my spouse or potential spouse, it is not even someone I know who I would be fawning over if they were here. I am watching television, watching a leading female character, knowing fully it is an illusion, but freed, knowing she does not seemingly know me, I do not need any affection returned. Granted, I believe we all truly, divinely are connected, in that way I know her, the actress that is. I also know you by that- and you, may realise you know me- and that person you pass on the street.

With my many female friends, it can be similar- I truly love them each, more deeply than a girl I once considered my girlfriend, who once considered me her boyfriend. My love for my friends is deeper and stronger and infinitely more free. I love them and sometimes tell them so. I love my other friends also, but differently than my closest friends, who are often women.

I have many friends, and very little at all in common with some. Some, no, many- I do not even know the names of- but I do care for quite a number of them- to a degree. Yet, the reason I speak of this, why I share how wonderful I find it is... to love my friends is not straight forward simple, but complex.

Jesus commands us to love one another as he loved us. I take this seriously, I greet people I do not know, I discuss, joke, laugh, smile- play socially- I enjoy this, it is as though God commanded us to eat chocolate- I love being social in a good way.

When I have been saddest- helping others was my deepest cure. When I am heartbroken- loving others is a cure, when sad or hurt. When I do not love for a while- I feel stale, repressed, ugly, depressed.

I find now, as I said in the beginning, that I do not need love returned- though it hurts when it isn't. I am not then after romance- but also that to love properly, I must be loved in return. A friend is a person who let's us love them, who we let love ourselves.

So you may well seek attention and love, but I seek to give attention, confidence and love.

You may seek help- I seek to help. You may seek praise- I seek people who deserve my praise.

I take joy in loving, and naturally loving truthfully.

When I learnt to love, I found it was painful- but then, I learnt to love in pain and beyond it- to care should I not be cared for; empathise when painful. It is freeing. I do love deepest those who love me, these I would fight to protect. My affection and loyalty are not one and the same- but I find that the best love can well feel pain and go past it. The best love refuses to be taken advantage of unjustly, refuses to become a tool, or object, or be abused evilly.

I do chose to love, and to manifest love and channel it within, to those I deeply love.

So- in Christ, I have become the opposite of what I once was. I need friends, loyalty, love, hope, kindness- but I seek also to give these first. I want to marry a perfect woman one day- and so I learn perfection for her- what better test of preparedness for the Sacrament than learning to be a perfect, true- genuinely true friend? Oddly, if one seeks to be honest, and if one allows themselves to justly empathise, and see the world rightly- love comes for those we love; and we rejoice at their love. Every relationship is subject to God, and he determines their end. In this I trust others sometimes- but only as much as is wise.

My friends matter to me. I see their fate as intertwined with mine, their web connected to mine. What happens to them- I feel to happen to me. Yet, to my acquaintances I am kind and just if able- or at least just.

I am not as fortunate to have love returned (my deep desire), as I am to love deeply. I may go out of my way naturally- for my friends and my God- but that I may is a gift mostly to me.

I am fortunate to have learnt to love- to change and become someone else- who encompasses my essence. I may be weak, I may not be perfect, but I can love- and love is infinite and eternal. I encourage you, yes- you- to learn the same. To take the risk and care... Hurt, and care all the more: rejoicing for the pain is pleasure in unconditional true love!

Learn to be a good friend! As I hope to one day become!

aSynchronisity (Article originally scrapped, but republished: with editing: on receipt of an email, I was sent: which encouraged me in reworking it)

(Journey in a Broken World)

Article by Marc Aupiais

Chaos is to the benefit of the prescient, and those who can predict better than apposing personages: as it happens: by order, we predict the future. Chaos, is that which causes confusion, to those not understanding it. Those who know where an ambush is laid can avoid it, those who understand a routine can use it. Utter chaos is the field where they, who know the future best: outwit all.


Confusion, mystery, chaos: imagine this: fire on water, and war all around, gun shots blast, and sirens blare. Blueness covers the scene, a hidden, not always noticed blue. Perhaps that of the sirens, but not. Red dots, yet this is not a battle between police and robbers. Somehow, the mind must understand, and make order to know what they are dealing with. What makes the red dots: are these vague images lights?


There is a battle going on, a small scene in a great chaos of conflict. One feels the stream, currents of time and space, and move slightly between carnage, and chaos: as bullets spray, and things all of a sudden explode. The sand is muddy now, one is fleeing, one is crawling on scrapping knees, and jumping, and rushing. The heat begins to beat so fast, yet one is guided, one escapes.

Imagine this, and how such casualties are struck, and death wrough all over, as one pauses and moves, like a guerrilla in the woods, or a woodsman hidden in a known forest, or kayaking boatman in the ocean, rowing between icebergs, and whales. It is a complete image which hits me, it always is as an author, and such images combine, and are woven, and altered like clay in my softly moving hands: to create novels: coming in day and sleep. Yet, while such chaos may benefit, none moral would make it through evil: that does not mean that those who are moral and in a situation of such: will not use chaos to their advantage. How much more is it certain: that while free will allows for evil: yet that which is order itself: will use the chaos from such hostility: for the good of all who love Him. In fact, they right thing can well be to tolerate some evil at times: yet call it account when it is best: because immediately smiting one may hurt the innocent: like God, we to only tolerate evil while in a time, and place where it is of benefit to good to do so temporally.

Chaos, and order in this temperal phase of the universal stages: are illusions of sorts, or rather: in the perspective of the beholder, they don't really exist, not here in any case: or else: they exist, but in a way which the ordinary man does not fully comprehend; but which the saint can see: whereby order exists, and chaos: but these are different from normal everyday uses of these connotations to sound. Order refers to control, but only so far as it is needed because control of events by that which is stuck in temperal time: needs to rely on predictibility, even cause it. In other words; to order that something be done: is to try to cause a sequence of events where it occurs: orders are there to create order, or an order of benefit to the one making them, or which such thinks of benefit.

 We cannot by our perception alone: know the future, or why God does as he does; mystery creates a special "chaotic" code, which only in the seeing of truth, we can understand of all. God is not temperal, but eternal, not even aeviternal, as "rational" souls are. Yes, perhaps the body of Jesus is aeviternal: and that which leaves his form is temperal: but in his divine nature he is eternal, his human nature: I am not qualified to say this: but perhaps it contained temperal or aeviternal parts; yet in such a way as that which is divine could possibly have this: Jesus was fully human: perhaps then his human soul is only aeviternal. 


God is eternal: that means he can be none but basis of the fabric of time and space, the little bubble of necessity: we walk and breathe in. Outside of God, there is nothing, there is but darkness: he is the blue bubble which causes the flickering spark of life, carressing all: yet as a lover, not an enemy. He is not the chair I sit on, nor my DNA, yet he is the power in which these are supported; in which all reality rests: against which; ever for now: sin falls against in rebelling, with destruction: breaking death loose on the world! Evil, fighting this power creates false perceptions, so that we neglect to see order in the chaos: and therefore are hit by it and harmed. Even as we admit that a sort of chaos is the order of the universe: we must admit that a good God would create a way for even us to conquer the chaos: this is the purpose of ethics, and virtue: that which is good is complient to the "chaos" which is God's plan. Morality is simply a dance of sanity: which keeping us safe beyond any prediction's extent. It is sanity which acts morally. We do not pretend to understand time and distance, or fully: the life after death. We do understand that it, which is compliance to the Chaos of God: keeps us alive as breath cannot, beyond death; when we obey God to every extent. Chaos is simply us admitting we cannot comntrol the world. We mourn the pain of animals, and our own pain: and though this is why often some attack God when animals are hurt due to elements of time and space: it is because we are like them; and fear: yet God does no matter of moral evil or anything he considers evil: to man; either evil causes death: as sometimes, it seems: occurs; or in fact: death is not an end; only a doorwar to the next sections of our consiousness: that final place: when we are alive or illusion and of death. Indeed: death is the responsibility of God, even the Greeks put this to their Gods: the three "Fates": to disobey God is the route which all sin takes: and whereas morality is the peak acting of sanity: sin: is the slow loss of such needed sanity.

Imagine Him we worship: walking now, by a lake, yet what does that mean? What mystery incarnate: that infinite being: appearing to be, or even being aeviternal in a way, with even perhaps temperal parts: such seems chaos: such energy in but a small form. It is the goodness which makes what seems chaos to be order, and which conquers all illusion which is the actual chaos: this ability to comprehend, and conquer chaos: is the gift which is given. Our salvation lies in the child: Jesus, a man at this time: who walked by and on the lake. Showing he is in control, he walked on such lake against our predictions. Such is "chaos", is it not?

Yet, he is as much a human as a God, even now, he is both: and a human made order of chaos: not by taking the chaos away: but by giving meaning to it, and all things, so that we could be sane, and calm in chaos: collected: and able to exist forever.

God is not a God of contradiction or chaos, but God is also not only a three dimensional being, but a three personed being, yet not three Gods, but one. Our ways are in order, and prediction, his is in a higher mysterious order, sometimes appearing to be chaos and his ways are in knowing, and doing true things. The war between God and evil is between Reality and falseness. God is reality, the very DNA of time and space, or rather: something more elemental than that.

We rightly think God is order, he is not then simply our order: simply put, unlike His rational soul: we are not entirely sane. He is a God who created order: but that is for us, and of his nature, by which we are ordained to be born, he is a God who is logical, but that is because he is the fabric of the universe: that one which all relies upon, on which the fabric of the universe relies, and rests. He is not all things, but all things need him to exist. That which is real relies on him, yet all things cannot include evil. Evil does not technically exist, but is a misfiring, something, a madness which choice allows man: which sucks his very life from him, like the merciless tide of the unforgiving seas. God is "chaos" in a way, but ordered chaos. The chaos which is evil is that without meaning: it is the slaughter of the good; it is evil. Evil: is that which makes us less real: if God is Reality: evil is Illusion, while it does not exist: the void where it is does: so that one truly disobeys by sinning. Evil is a lack of Good: of Reality, of God.

Every Just War, or Just Uprising, is also an unjust war and unjust battle. Those fighting on one side are fighting a Just War, those on the other, an Unjust War.

Is God Chaos in his eyes: no: yet that which is aeviternal cannot fully comprehend that which is eternal: at least not yet. Chaos, in fact is what we use to denote a situation in which we are unable to predict far enough ahead, so as to handle it. Chaos is dangerous. It is how one may well describe many things: it is danger, and fear all at once. It is when: if we could predict it's source, we could well survive.

So; if the universe is chaos: it is dangerous: how then is survival adequate except in Love: the key to all things. To comprehend love is to begin to understand God. Love believes the Gospel, it believes the faith: because of the source giving the truth; which is truth. Love, is in fact the meaning in the madness: and by it we can make the right move to stay in key with the music of God... What seems to atheists as insanity in a Righteous God: is not insanity, but love: God's chaos may not be comprehensible to man: but its meaning: love: is.

Love explains all: it is our mentorship in times, and oceanic bouts. Love is deeper than romance: which itself is not love. As yet imperfect: human love; oft wrought with evil illusion: this nature of a higher force: tells us of the perfect devine love. Waves in the ripple tank reflect the mamoth monsters of the ocean, which hide sharks, and monsters, and powers, and wonders.

God is not chaos but Order: this we know because in some hings we understand his ways: especially in matters of love... at least we can understand such. Lust: which tries to falsely appear as, and substitute for love: is a reason many are denied comprehension of the chaos of life.

We do not understand the ocean, not either do we entirely comprehend, nor understand: the spiritual. That which is seen is influenced by unseen horrors, like a boat in the ocean, and protected all around by unseen deity, and goodness: that of Jesus, and the entirety of the Triune God, is that which orders things to protect. Each person has a guardian: an angel to aid; and we each can ask of a Patron; our sister who watches us like a lover, and bride. Yet, our safety is in God, in that which sees order in the chaos, and protects us: heart and soul.

Odd, or convenient, or simply informing for us: that the antonym of "Chaos" is "Order": and when we speak of commands we say it is "orders". We admit that by "authority": "chaos" is fought, or that commands maintain a status quo: yet this is to say that orders which increase meaningless chaos are meaningless: that society and commands are only justified when rational and ordered to the true nature of God. Orders, are that which attempt to combat chaos.

Our way to predict the world's actions is to understand that which causes them. The relation of Reality to us: is what we study, and we know that like in the ocean, jumping before or as waves break like walls, and fall; by mimicking the tides of time and space via what Christians call love, truth, sanity, and faith: we are able not to see God's actions as "Chaos", but as Love, and in this in Sanity, which is the only sane action: we in fact dance with God; meaning that we are safe.

That we have a word: "chaos"; this alone proves such fact of our inadequacy, and of our need of God, and saints, and angels and such: our perception alone is inadequate to maintain our lifeforce: yet Love, Truth, Reality Himself: offers us an opportunity; not simply to predict today, or ten thousand decades of millenia, if those even shall come to pass: but rather: the cause of the ripples, the love of God asks that we join him forever as saints; he asks this through the living and the Aeviternal saints and angels, and His Son. Here, his prediction, and nature, and the nature of the universe itself preserves us!

To say that the universe is chaotic is to admit we are unable to understand it fully: and to admit that we are not self-sufficient to handle our live here: we die, do we not? If our aim is life, then we are in need of life, so how can God not be needed..? He is needed!

The reason all living people, this even (as shown by the incident at the temple:) including Jesus, when he was incarnated as a child: make mistakes: this reason is that God realized that we would have a choice. We can live in chaos or order: but order lies not simply in handling chaos: one must conquer chaos to have order, and God is not only the God of what appears chaotic; he is the God of Order: order which to those as yet incapable of managing it: appears chaotic.

Now, to those not understanding a culture, or procedure: is it not all just chaos? Yet God gives us guidance: his hand is out, he is waiting, and moving backwards: we must look beyond the swaying waves: of the moving crowds, which do so simply frame his image: we must see beyond "chaos" into the true order, by which we tame the earth with order: we must see God; if we ever want safety. For the purpose of predicting the future; by all our statistics: is self preservation: and preservation of man, and his interests: and yet; the universe, while made with the aim of aiding man: was made for man and God to share: as a place where God has company with man and man's right desires: perhaps even Animals' temperal souls also exist in heaven: in another way than here. Truth is, if they do: it is for our enjoyment.

Somehow, suffering: and things which cause such fear in my heart: these are often the place and time where I turn to trust, and sane action. What is sane in the universe: is that which complies with the true order of it: morality, and religion: Catholic Religion: under Christ himself's rule from the heavenly king's power: his power: his own truth in his kingship of all: to truth: to love.

So, while one sanely suffers small pain to avoid calamity, as with going to a dentist, or for surgery: we endure "great" pains here in exiled chaos of the mind: but this is nothing, and no thing's power: if we are to live forever in bliss. Chaos is a term which only the limited, finite beings, and perhaps that which empathises with them: can comprehend. Pain: when seen in the light of love: is small compared with the promise it carries for the Just men.

Love, while seeming madness: has meaning: making it somewhat predictible: at least in its purpose. God is not Chaos, but love: and what makes love sane: is a basis in truth! 

The Dance of Una Ecclesiam et Deus- Journey in a Broken World

(Journey in a Broken World)

Article by Marc Aupiais

She felt it like silk against her skin: anguished, as though a soft brush of needles has been combed over her naked heart. She was worried, and pranced back and forward like a fearful horse after a loud noise. Shadow and light combined, her face hid a small scar, her eyes pierced, yet she was almost blind now.

She waited, and awaited her dance- as the announcement reverberated, and the audience quieted. They had come so far, to see her: to support her and jeer at her. She was a prodigy, a paradox. An example of foreign oddness.

Fear sailed up her shivering form, and entered her veins, and conquered her heart. She breathed, and calmed, as her heart pounded, and her chest beat against solid air. Things slowed down, then began to speed up, as she closed her eyes and hoped. She trusts, does she not? Calm enters her, as she is left conflicted. On the stage, the music starts, it enters one, and encompasses. Ahead lies a leap of faith. She goes through the logic, as she prepares to run, her legs move, yet she calms her conflicted self, and feels her veins contract.

The rivers inside her skin move slower, and she steadies her heart rate as much as viable. Ahead lies a sharp light, and around it- all is dark. She breathes in, and brushes her hair, combing with naked hands, and then she walks forward. Her heart is now like a log, tossed in the sea, and it beats as though buoyed in a hurricane. The beat is constant in her ears, as her face becomes pale beyond comparing.

The figure walks towards her, and peace begins to radiate, like the sun shining on her form. The rhythmic beat hits like a soaking in torrid ocean waves. She prepares to faint, and faintly stumbles into view, as around the lit up area they stand on- darkness surrounds. She cannot see the crowd, she ignores them as best she is able. She nearly closes her eyes, as she prepares to dance, as gentle, and perfect hands clasp her waist, and as a beam of light shines against her. She notes now, she is wearing clothes- a shining, translucent pale blue dress, which shines and reflects- sparkling, swirling like waters turning: in the light.

Dressage. She prances like a horse... Together: as one flow, together- form molds. She floats, like a strand of shrubbery, blown in the wind. She sways- like the savanna- in torrents before the storm. There is electrical energy in the air- a calm coolness preceding the power of an ancient storm.

The crowd is agitated, some want to hurt her, some devalue her- she senses their stare, and shivers. Other admire, others are jealous- others still wish they were her, and still others want to see her dance. Her moves are sudden, dramatic in this act of passionate rhythm. She hardly knows to trust her partner, as he leads her in a dangerous pose. In every move she senses his stare- it sustains her more than love- fear of betraying him, who trusted her is greater than that of the watching crowd. In every moment, he watches her technique, it is flawless: least he grimace, it is perfect, least he leave her and no longer dance. She is scared, a fear twirling, like a black horse swirling: she is terrified, as one who loves the mirror of her soul, whose heart would fade, should she disappoint. She barely trusts, but movement takes her, she barely knows- but logic sustains her.

"Ecclesiam", Deus whispers her name, as she recognizes barely her partner, and they prepare to move again. She realizes she was frightened now, she sees the swaying crowd, and watches as they move.

"Ecclesiam... Dear, dear friend!" Ecclesiam glances up at Dues, at the partner she so loves... and sees her partner, barely flashing against the flowing of movement and light. Her heart takes longer to beat, surprise takes her, she dares not meet his eyes!

"You did... good...!" She barely remembered it, these near foreign words he said. It was soft, it was quiet, barely could she hear... "Now follow me, we have more to dance... ... ... Do not disappoint"

She holds his hand, she feels steady now. Her fears are lost, she's bathing in his tearing love.

Her form is perfect, technique matters so much. She aims in her self: now barely to please- her heart wont pass this down.

They do a dance, as light flashes around. She holds his hand, daring not to glance up. Her fear remains, yet so now does her hope. She dances now, freed: by her very technique; extravagant- for her exacting specification of pose. Her feet move faster, her eyes glance around. She stops, then moves, then isn't sure until her partner carries her forward into the blissfulness of dance.

This is her chance- the only one to please, this is her promise- her actions will make her married. She is God's fiancée, the church of the living God. This is where she has the opportunity- to impress him into marriage. When in love: we cherish our foolish loving, when in love- every risk is enough: yet, when in love with truth: truth must lead all things. We dance not with the audience, no: we make them wish they were us.

Perhaps, we are only the shoe, or a tiny part of her, but as long as we, as man and as woman: are the cherished woman: Ecclesiam: that pristine woman we call church: we dance with God himself, and we are entitled to what follows! We are like royalty, or the couple at their day: let us not forget our dignity, our birthright should we not forsake it.

All watch, and some applaud- as Ecclesiam and Deus end their dance- all around people begin to stand: inside her heart, the wild horse dances. All are impressed, she finished her dance, and shall dance forever with Deus: her partner. Her form won him for her, and his goodness, true oneness won her for him. Let us become Ecclesiam's flesh, let us be good- true and morally sane!