Sunday, 9 August 2015

Cloud 10 and a half... I'd thought 11 at least... oh well... such is life.

I thought I had doubled in girth until I noticed the horrid new scale had accidentally switched to pounds. It explained why I was now 5 something centimetres tall. Make that 5"10... wait... aren't I 5"11? Turns out not. I entered my height on the internet: 179 CM... 5"10.5... existential crises looming. "Is 5"10 short?" I asked that annoying Jeeves, Google. Turns out 5"10 is the height anyone below 5"10 pretends to be. Women like their men 5 inches taller than them... It explains why that monstrously tall Kenyan lady called me short. 5"5 ladies, here I come.

I am 1 cm shorter than 5"11, and three below 6 foot. With shoes... 6, maybe... perhaps if I gel my hair up, but generally I don't.

So that means my future wife will be 5"5 or something? Not that I know anything about heights. I must've worn socks when I thought 5"11... that could be it.

Worse still, my new scale says I am 0.7 kg heavier than the old one says, but it is glass and the old one is wood. There is something scaly about a glass scale, isn't there? Maybe I should boycott the scale, tell it men don't weigh themselves, or something... and shoe it into the darkness where truth tellers in Africa are sometimes exiled to?

I measured my height four times that day, just to make sure. 1.79 m. Every time. I even enlisted help, the result was the same. Perhaps with socks I'd be 5"11, who knows? I almost considered it, but who has the time to put on socks for a self put on? I resigned myself to my height. I fit just under most doors and chandeliers. I can sit up straight in my car without hitting my head... perhaps 5"10.5 is okay... I didn't know.

In the old days men were uber short. That knight in his overly shining armour, he was a squirrel riding a shetland poney... no wonder they thought monsters roamed the earth... meeting me at 5"10.5, they'd think goliath had friends over for dinner... poor short men. Short men are thought to sometimes have a short man complex... Napoleonic like or whatnot... but the average man is below 5"10, so I am quite, it seems, alright. Not that complex, I am not short... shorter than I thought, but not a big deal... 5"10... okay then. I am a centimetre above the height everyone below 5"10 pretends to be on online dating sites, the internet said... and with that I am somehow now alright... as for my new scale's uncertain fate... we'll have to wait and see. It might be an activist telling only slightly tall tales, but it would weigh heavily on my heart if I gave it the boot.

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