And yet it hurts so much... and yet... it does! Friendship, and truth- interconnected as they are!

(Journey in a Broken World)

Article by Marc Aupiais

I wonder at it, as its happening, as I watch it fall apart, and apart again.

I watch, not comprehending, hardly understanding... why again has it collapsed.

I still remember this emotion now, still feel it from memory, as understanding cradles what so often had occurred in my childhood friendships.

I understand now, that each friendship has its place if any at all, and its time. I understand and it no longer hurts should one end, or rather- it hurts greatly, yet is understood, and the pain is indeed even... comforting in a way- for it says that what I feel is true. The pain is good, in fact, true.

It is foolish to say our friends are our own, in fact we could not own them at all, and in my experience the closest of the "bestest" (those who promise most to remain friends forever) of friends may part for a reason or misunderstanding, or nothing.

Time changes man, and the souls or personalities or beliefs or ways which once fit, no longer do. Ultimately, we change, and change again as man. We do not stay static or the same.

Inside, pain moves, flows slowly or fast. We feel that our chest is tight, we want to cry or sink into oblivion, should a friend have been close. We pray and find no answer, or else simply want to cry.

The lesson I learnt after eventually losing some truly close friends was this- our friendships are governed by God, and are maintained while useful to him, while needed, or while we clasp onto them, as though they could even be eternal.

Once I felt pain as I lost a friend I had had for years, and anger also. Such fiery anger I felt, all that time ago. I wished justice against them, or something to show who they really had become. I prayed, and found I often then needed confession, or that is a sense I have felt of then.

Yet, goodness is fullness, and that which is good, is its fullness. That which is evil is where goodness lacks. Should it have been their goodness which hurt me, I would have been hurt, and yet better off for it. Yet, could I hold their lack to heart and feel pain for it? Surely not. For the person I cared for still was in memory, and indeed was my friend, yet what was before me was no longer them. I could cry for tragedy, but not feel anger now. For it was not their desire what occurred, but rather their misreading of this desire that lost me them to their thought of what was better apart from me, their once friend!

Sometimes, even I have found a person to be good as long as I needed them, to be perfect as a friend, the prayed for effect, as long as was healthy for my soul. I have found before that while a person was righteous as I knew them, they may lose their footing once I left- as though for my sake they had been kept true.

If our friendship does not fulfill God's purposes, we cannot expect him to keep it forever. I understand this now- and make sure I stand firm with friends in honesty, and yet in truth and love, and firm determination to seek what is best for them- which may well not lie with me. Perhaps only they and God may know.

Yes loss, whether in the relationship, or their very life- is hard, but the God of mystery is not a God who acts for no reason. A friendship may be restored, even stronger than before, or a death may save a soul.

Many things have their time and reason, and it is our place to always follow God, who speaks in conscience, logic and intuition- wherever this God of Sanity leads.

We should not fear the loss of friends by whatever means- even as we should pray they be not lost, in greater sense, we should ask this before we ask in lesser.

It is holding my tongue I have regretted most with friends, besides the occasional secret shared. To the true friend, the friend is more important than their relationship with their beloved friend, or friends.

And so, how do I view friendship- but as something as beautiful as snow, or a rainbow. True friends, I see as rare. But friends are human, fallible and breaking- 'cept those which do not break, or do not break any longer.

And so: we must know the truth- it is better to love than to be loved. This is the beauty Petrarch taught the world, even as it is better to love in reality than another kind of love.

A friend: someone entrusted to your love. A true friend, one who is entrusted back with you, and does.

Every temporary thing and way has its place, if at all, and its time- if at all. It is our place to serve, to do what is best despite our misreadings of our wants- which are much more vague than we'd tell the world, or maybe even our selves. Want and manifestation of want both play a role.

In friendship, we mimic God- who laid down his life for truth, and thereby his friends- but while laying it down- did not take his own life as a selfish man might.

May God bless us, as we entwirl in our many hopes and entangle with those friends who do good- yet let us rely first on Him, if not through them at times, and only then on them!

My many loves and hates

(Also appeared at : Journey in a Broken World 26 / 08 | August / 2009)

Editorial by Marc Aupiais

I watch as she walks, I smile and breathe in and admire her for her beauty. Then I stop and repeat... But it is not my spouse or potential spouse, it is not even someone I know who I would be fawning over if they were here. I am watching television, watching a leading female character, knowing fully it is an illusion, but freed, knowing she does not seemingly know me, I do not need any affection returned. Granted, I believe we all truly, divinely are connected, in that way I know her, the actress that is. I also know you by that- and you, may realise you know me- and that person you pass on the street.

With my many female friends, it can be similar- I truly love them each, more deeply than a girl I once considered my girlfriend, who once considered me her boyfriend. My love for my friends is deeper and stronger and infinitely more free. I love them and sometimes tell them so. I love my other friends also, but differently than my closest friends, who are often women.

I have many friends, and very little at all in common with some. Some, no, many- I do not even know the names of- but I do care for quite a number of them- to a degree. Yet, the reason I speak of this, why I share how wonderful I find it is... to love my friends is not straight forward simple, but complex.

Jesus commands us to love one another as he loved us. I take this seriously, I greet people I do not know, I discuss, joke, laugh, smile- play socially- I enjoy this, it is as though God commanded us to eat chocolate- I love being social in a good way.

When I have been saddest- helping others was my deepest cure. When I am heartbroken- loving others is a cure, when sad or hurt. When I do not love for a while- I feel stale, repressed, ugly, depressed.

I find now, as I said in the beginning, that I do not need love returned- though it hurts when it isn't. I am not then after romance- but also that to love properly, I must be loved in return. A friend is a person who let's us love them, who we let love ourselves.

So you may well seek attention and love, but I seek to give attention, confidence and love.

You may seek help- I seek to help. You may seek praise- I seek people who deserve my praise.

I take joy in loving, and naturally loving truthfully.

When I learnt to love, I found it was painful- but then, I learnt to love in pain and beyond it- to care should I not be cared for; empathise when painful. It is freeing. I do love deepest those who love me, these I would fight to protect. My affection and loyalty are not one and the same- but I find that the best love can well feel pain and go past it. The best love refuses to be taken advantage of unjustly, refuses to become a tool, or object, or be abused evilly.

I do chose to love, and to manifest love and channel it within, to those I deeply love.

So- in Christ, I have become the opposite of what I once was. I need friends, loyalty, love, hope, kindness- but I seek also to give these first. I want to marry a perfect woman one day- and so I learn perfection for her- what better test of preparedness for the Sacrament than learning to be a perfect, true- genuinely true friend? Oddly, if one seeks to be honest, and if one allows themselves to justly empathise, and see the world rightly- love comes for those we love; and we rejoice at their love. Every relationship is subject to God, and he determines their end. In this I trust others sometimes- but only as much as is wise.

My friends matter to me. I see their fate as intertwined with mine, their web connected to mine. What happens to them- I feel to happen to me. Yet, to my acquaintances I am kind and just if able- or at least just.

I am not as fortunate to have love returned (my deep desire), as I am to love deeply. I may go out of my way naturally- for my friends and my God- but that I may is a gift mostly to me.

I am fortunate to have learnt to love- to change and become someone else- who encompasses my essence. I may be weak, I may not be perfect, but I can love- and love is infinite and eternal. I encourage you, yes- you- to learn the same. To take the risk and care... Hurt, and care all the more: rejoicing for the pain is pleasure in unconditional true love!

Learn to be a good friend! As I hope to one day become!