Sunday, May 3, 2009

Adulthood, a state of self

(Insider Confessions Analysis )

Article by Marc Aupiais

I used to be driven to church, even confession, when I started up with that again, but as an adult, I drive myself to confession, and I drive myself to church, at night, in the dark. *


I used to feel safe, secure, no longer: I feel scared, petrified, terrified. And when I sit in church, I feel as though being looked through, in the way: only one person: one girl, ever could do before: yet in a way as though communal, as though I were unconsciously naked, and only I didn't know. As though my sins, though not my virtues, were written on my face. It now, is as though there were an intuitive stare within me, but I cannot say: it is them or them. Before communion, I sense such, perhaps my own over-reactive, pro-active conscience, perhaps another's? This sense, seems real, even as dogma, as doctrine, feels physical, like mountains: this is as though fire.

When I confessed, I used to feel like I'd just had a flu shot, or ice-cream, as though I were safe, as though secure. Now, I only fear, when will I sin again.

Jesus says we must accept him as though little children, but having such faith: our father: St. Paul, the Apostle, writes, in his letter, as recorded in the Holy Bible: we who are adults, must do away with childish things. We are no longer children. We who know, are adults in the faith.

And, as I drive home, in the dark dark night, and as I walk fearfully into church, and fearfully about morality, and terrified, around God, whom we fear as much as I love, whom I fear like the sun, like the flames of life itself. I fear not man, but the intuitively present, perhaps there: pressing spirit, which tests my every crevice, and mostly judges me worthy.

And so, we journey with God; the adult acknowledges, that their every action could be their last, that their every hope, could lead to death, that they only have so much money, and so much grace to live on: and that the cost of some joys, is their very life, which they already lose now, and not just then.

Now, when we speak as adults: of the faith, we also know: that we cannot afford to be emotional about the truth: we cannot accept or reject something, because it sounds good. When Jesus says: "I am the Truth", he means just that, truth is "That which is", truth is the background of existence, on which all else rests. Truth, is that we sometimes name "Reality", which is the name of God.

Now, it is the virtue of Religion, which saves: religion, not being ceremonies, and sacraments, we'll get to these, and through religion, these are the way to Heaven. Religion: is the earnest seeking of truth, and obedience of true intuitive conscience, religion: is looking inside, reflecting on where we are wrong, religion: is seeking to be like God in proportion, and seeking God, as a child seeks their parent. Religion, is what we speak of in Lumen Gentium XVI, in Vatican II.

When we say that those, who know that it is necessary to enter the church, to be saved: we understand, they know: it is how they shall conform themselves, and anchor themselves to truth, by sacrament.

The church is that which is, Upon He Who Is. Those seeking a country, who see a path to it on the map, follow that path: the church is a part of truth, a tip of a deep deep iceberg, and itself sinks deep into the sea, like a mountain, with depths and depths below.

We who seek truth, must not reject, it's "Pillar and Foundation" (Saint Paul calls it such, when speaking to Timothy), which is the church, the body of the Living God: on earth. It is part of truth, and before we may seek more, we must enter the Country of the Church, the eternity of it, and never ever leave her bosom.

The church is the foundation, from which we search, she is addition, multiplication, in Mathematics. She is from whence we launch our invasion into the world.

Though I be scared, I am conquerer, though I be petrified, I will be bold.

We are the church, and we cannot be separated, as though our bonds were breakable, by anything but our own dearly foolish choice. We are the line of grace, and we must remain such. In God's grace, our fear rests, and is stable, and though the church look me through, and judge me harshly, it is God, in whom I am of comfort. Jesus, when speaking of who may be saved: said: come into the light. Those who are evil, avoid it: in fear that their sinful deeds be shown emptily up.

It is by treating ourselves as we are, then begging for mercy, and then acting as a slave should act: that we become friends of Truth, whom you call God. Honesty, and such in proportion, is that which is closest to truth. We all mimic"Reality", we all want power, as He is all-powerful, we all want to be known, who does not know of "Reality": but to be like him, we must be honest. What separates adults and children in Religion: is honesty, and though your reflection scare you, and even those of a saint does: rather see it, it will change who you are. If you do not look honestly into your mirror, how can you make yourself presentable to your Lover: God. Beware, God is as judgmental as "Reality" is, because God is the basis of all that is, the background of the Universe(s).

As St. John says in the Bible, the mature among us, must know we are imperfect, however more perfect than those around us, we must know: that we must always delve deep into the mirror, even as we look in our physical mirror day by day: and as our hair get's messed as we sleep, we know our lives also do, as we rest.


As we daily, or twice daily brush our teeth, and bath, or take a shower: so we must confess, as we look into the mirror. Remember, those who are not sorry, are not forgiven, whatever the priest may say: sorrow, being understanding we were wrong, sorrow, being determination to no longer sin.

And, as we daily eat our bread, so the Eucharist, is the sustenance of our soul: all these are the virtue of religion, in action. Religion only can move forward, and those lead in it, are always growing, even as sometimes they feel they are going back.

We either move back, or forward, and to move back, is as though falling into death.

That mirror, with which we try to see ourselves as we are: is not our bible, nor our priest: it is our conscience, and that which acts up, before we determine to confess: and we must confess all mortal sins in confession, since our last time, all we remember: and it is here, especially in confession, that we begin to learn who we are. This is the light into which we enter, where we wash our face to be presentable.

Religion must always push for what is better, and what is best. Live God in your daily job, and occupation. Obey him everywhere and always.

If those outside the faith are judged by their obedience: to the command: that we seek the proportional truth, that we seek truth, to conform ourselves to it, and that we seek it ethically, and with all our heart within, as we do our daily tasks, and beyond: how much will we, we who have the sacraments be judged?

A parent who asks their child to bath, when the child has no soap, or cannot find it: it is obedience, that if the child bathes, the parent cannot be too mad, because they are unsuccessful, but we know where the soap is, we must use it, or our living essence disappoints. It is not what you are given, which God judges you by, but what you do with it.

Your soul, that which animates your body, that which we call Life: is entrusted to you, guard it, like it's all you have, it is part of you, your body and soul are one: even as the wave and water are one. Do not let the flame of your life burn out, it is all you have to light up your dark. Follow the Catholic God



*It is not that I could not possibly be driven, I am yet to be entirely independent. It is that it is up to me, should I choose to go or stay, up to me to remember, up to me to drive in the dark, whether or not accompanied.




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